Thoughts on grieving with someone

A Biblical view

I was thinking about several grieving friends, and feeling my own griefs. And thinking how each grief is different because each loss is different, and the comfort that is going to be helpful is also different. Each and every time.
So how do we navigate walking through grief with a friend? And how do we do that Biblically? Is there guidance there? What does that look like?

Let me just preface this by saying a little caveat which shouldn’t be necessary but it is the internet, so.
Caveat: This is not comprehensive. This is not a step by step that will always be received perfectly every single time. It is Biblical truth and ideas on how it can be applied in our lives.

I could start by listing the things that comforted me in my own griefs- loss of immediate family, extended family, loss of income, loss of security, loss of trust, loss of friends… but rather than listing the actions which were helpful in my seasons of grief, I’d like to summarize them.

I think they look a lot like love.

Love doesn’t look out for its own (1 Cor 13:5) - loving support isn’t grasping for your relationship with that grieving loved one to stay the same as it ever was. That person is not the same, nor will your relationship remain fully unchanged.

Love doesn’t keep record of wrongs and is not easily angered (1 Cor 13:5) - That person is hurting, and their capacity to even think clearly is damaged. They may be in a total fog. Don’t expect them to promptly respond to a text, to remember to smile at you, or have any good answers for you. If they screw up in one way or another, give them the grace we have received. Forgive and don’t get angry about it.

Love is patient (1 Cor 13:4) - bear with the hurting friend. They are healing. Be patient with them.

Love is kind (1 Cor 13:4) - offense vs defense switch here; Being patient and forgiving are both “defense” actions - responding to how they treat you. Love is kind is an “offense” action - you are the one doing the action- treat that person kindly. What is a kindness or two (or ten!) that you can do to show that person love during this hard season?

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Cor 13:7) Hang in there for that hurting friend. Hope for healing, trust their best intentions, trust what they have said (“I need some space” may mean just that, “I’m not myself” means just that, “I can’t think” means just that, “I can’t really communicate” means just that. “I don’t know.” means just that.) There’s a lot going on in that person’s heart, and simple trust in what they can say goes a long way, rather than trying to interpret, read into, get offended by, or trying to ‘fix’ it. Trust them. Hope with them. Persevere with them.

Last but not least - speak truth. When necessary, it may be helpful to speak truth. Tread wisely and lovingly here. But if the person is rehearsing an untruth, lovingly speak truth to them (1 Cor 13:6) “it does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;”
Remind them, if their lost loved one is a believer, that they will see them again. (1 Thess. 4:13)
Remind them who God is - God is still good, God is still loving, etc. Remind them of what is true so that the enemy does not gain a foothold by deceiving them in their time of weakness.

I hope this is helpful. Many of these actions are at the root of the best ways my friends comforted me during my own griefs.

Love them well. Love them Biblically.